presentazione

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TiLLiT English
Get Real
(Marco Pustianaz e TiLLiT English)
L’idea è molto semplice: siamo partiti da improvvisazioni e abbiamo costruito una serie di
personaggi prendendo ispirazione dalla TV, soprattutto dai reality, dai varietà con le sue rubriche, i
suoi cosiddetti esperti, gli aspetti più trash dell’intrattenimento. La cosa più bella è che invece di
subirla solamente, possiamo rifarla portandone alla luce tutta la teatralità artificiosa. Divertendoci
possiamo anche prenderla in giro, e prendere in giro noi stessi. Anche se non la guardiamo più di
tanto, in realtà siamo immersi in questa realtà televisiva. Abbiamo sfruttato la nostra competenza,
conscia e inconscia, in materia. Sappiamo di poter contare sulla vostra complicità!
Hanno partecipato:
Valentina Delledonne: Annunciatrice TV / Ballerina / Sophie
Valentina Sivieri: Sheila / Barbie / Caroline
Elisa Santangelo: Trisha / Tizzy / Brigitte
Ana Maria Girtu: Teena
Maddalena Di Battista: Ballerina / Tracy / Madeleine
***
Get Real
[Sigla del canale TV]
TV Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome to a special occasion. One of those occasions
you will want to tell your kids in the future: I was there. We are launching today a new TV channel,
unlike any other in the world.
Welcome to Get Real TV, where everything is so real your reality will look like a fake. I’m glad
you have chosen to be with us.
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Today, June 9th, will be a date remembered by all history books: starting today, next time you want
to check out what’s happening out there, don’t look out there! Tune in and look right here.
As an exciting opener, broadcast live from our UPO studios in Vercelli, our first show, 100% live,
110% real: Enjoy! A show full of international stars, new talents, interviews with real people and
much more… Hosting it live is our very lively Teena Marina. Teena…. Teena, are you there?
Scena 1
Teena [entra dal fondo del pubblico, mentre parte la sigla di Enjoy!]
Yeees, I’m here! [sale sul palco scansando l’annunciatrice e lo schermo TV]
Teena Marina, live, on air for Get Real TV!
Welcome to you all, ladies and gentlemen! Oohh, I am so excited to be here with you, and I am sure
you are too. Get Real TV is opening today with a super live show, Enjoy! It’s the name of the
show. How are you? You feeling real? You feeling live? That’s good, because we are!
We are kicking off with pure live entertainment, the Talent Show to beat every other Talent Shows:
“Who’s Got The Knack?”
[parte sigla del Talent Show]
Now, every Talent Show needs… Come on, what? [dal pubblico: “Talent!”] Nooo, a jury, of
course! You should know because the jury is YOU! You just got your bums on two coloured cards
[agita un cartoncino dopo l’altro]: GREEN is for GO, RED is for BURN! Remember: GO! [cerca di
far partecipare il pubblico] BURN! Nice! Ohh, brilliant!
[il presidente della giuria anticipa i tempi e sale sul palco, TEENA è presa in contropiede]
Oh, fuck… sorry, live… here is – already? – I mean, you are jumping the gun a bit, aren’t you?
President
Look, I don’t have time to waste today. Can’t we just get to the point?
Teena
Wait! [torna davanti al pubblico] We are getting really real… with Sheila, the President of our Jury!
[applausi registrati].
Sheila
I’m Sheila Johnston, of course. I’m the best, the bluntest, the bitchiest. Juries need me, ‘cuz they’re
so soft they make me puke. Look at them: soft!
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Teena
Yes, they are lovely, ain’t they? Oh, Sheila, we’re so proud to have you.
Sheila
Yes, good for you. Can’t we get on a bit, now? I am getting bored with this crap, plus I am in a
rush. A pet competition starts in less than half an hour, and I’m the jury there, too. Cut the crap and
flush it out, I say. Where’s the first crappy talent?
Teena
And our first talent is… Please, welcome with a hearty applause… Miss Trisha!
[Sigla del Talent Show]
[Trisha fa capolino timidamente, spinta avanti da due ballerine in tutu]
[Sheila prende posto solennemente sul suo scranno e tira fuori un grosso quaderno di appunti]
Teena
Trisha, love, hello! Come on, say hello to our lovely audience, and to all the viewers out there.
[Trisha guarda confusa, non sapendo se deve salutare il pubblico in sala o il pubblico a casa]
The audience… out here [punta verso il pubblico]. The viewers …. out there [punta vagamente
verso l’etere o tutt’intorno]
Trisha [inespressiva]
Hello.
Teena
Cheer up, my love, you’re getting real at last. This is your last chance to get real and make it real!
Says here you’re going to sing a song for us. Tell us more, love.
Trisha [con un filo di voce, sempre più basso]
I’m going to sing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.
Amy + Evy, le ballerine [in coro ripetono il titolo]
Teena
From Titanic!
Sheila
Perfect for a shipwreck!
Teena
And just who are these two… helpers? Minders, bodyguards?
Trisha [sempre sussurrando]
Dancers… friends… dancer friends
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Teena
Dancing friends? Cute, but I don’t have them on my cards. Oh, well, we let them dance, you need
all the help you can get. Good luck!
Trisha [prende il microfono e già la voce prende fiducia]
Amy! Evy! Ready?
Amy + Evy [in coro]
Yes!
[Trisha, Amy ed Evy fanno il loro numero su base registrata tipo karaoke. Energiche e convincenti.
A un certo punto Sheila che non ha mascherato noia e disappunto, salta giù dallo scranno e ordina ai
tecnici del suono di fermare la base. Trisha e le amiche vanno avanti ancora un po’]
Sheila
Cut the crap, I say. Time to move on.
Teena [entra per addolcire i toni]
Thank you, thank you! Let us give the poor girl a round of applause! Now’s your turn, Sheila, but
first we call on our audience to help. Does Trisha “Get the Knack”? You decide! Green for GO!
Red for BURN! Vote! [fa votare il pubblico]
Sheila
Puh, they are so soft. Are they your friends?
Teena
And now the verdict!
[Rullo di tamburi. Sheila va verso Trisha e le legge il responso che ha già scritto] “Your voice is
OK. You’ve got no style, quality about you, there’s no charisma…
Trisha [interrompe]
No charisma?
Sheila
I aint’t finished. “I think your lack of confidence was absolutely right. Trisha, the reality is… you
are not very good! [rivolta alle ballerine] … and neither are you!
Trisha [immobile ma sempre più furente]
You know what, you’re the last person I wanted to see today, but I’m happy now because I’m going
to slap you now.
Sheila
But you’re not a good singer: get real!
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Trisha
I am not a good singer, uh? [fa la sua perorazione al pubblico] Why is it I’ve been singing since I
was six years old and everyone I’ve ever met – people who don’t even like me – have come up to
me to tell me I’ve got an amazing voice. You can’t bloody sing, mate!
Sheila
I don’t want to be a singer!
Trisha
I don’t really care what you think. You have no talent!
Sheila
Absolutely 100% rubbish. You’ve got a bad attitude, you’ll never be a star in the music business.
Trisha
I’ll never be a star? I’m already a star!
Trisha
You have no talent, get out! [schiocca le dita e fa partire all’attacco le amiche ballerine, che
gridando Get out! si lanciano coreograficamente contro Sheila]
[Sheila viene cacciata via, gridando, Teena cerca di bloccare le riprese intercettando con le braccia
le telecamere. Chiama lo stacco pubblicitario: “Commercials!”]
[Pubblicità spot Webradio Universitaria]
Scena 2
[Dallo studio]
Teena
And now reporting live from U.P.O. University in Vercelli, Tracy!
[davanti all’UPO il primo giorno di esami. La reporter Tracy è pronta a iniziare il suo collegamento
dal vivo, dopo la fine dello stacco pubblicitario]
Tracy
Am I on air? Hello? Hello? [si accorge di essere in onda] Dear viewers, I’m Tracy, Get Real TV
special live reporter, sent out there in the real world. It’s risky, it’s dangerous, it’s exciting, as it
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should be. U.P.O. in Vercelli is a University. They tell me they study foreign languages here.
Foreign… Foreign is risky, is dangerous, is exciting. Follow me and we’ll find out…
[fa per andare verso due studentesse sedute a chiacchierare su una panchina, alternando alla
conversazione frenetici messaggi con il cellulare. Poi intercetta Gloria, che sembra confusa e persa]
Tracy
Hi! Can I ask you some questions about the university?
Gloria
No, no, I’m sorry… I’m late for my exam…
Tracy
Why do you think languages are important?
Gloria
I don’t think languages are important at all! I hate languages and those who study them!
[se ne va di fretta]
Tracy
As I was saying, U.P.O. is a University and examination days in a University are risky, dangerous,
exciting. Let’s see why. Hello there, my name’s Tracy from Get Real TV… [la ignorano] I’m sorry,
may I interrupt? I’m working, I’m on air!
[Tizzy e Barbie si voltano, la guardano un po’ sorprese un po’ inespressive]
Reporter
We are broadcasting live for Get Real TV, in touch with the younger generation.
Tizzy
I’m 22.
Barbie
Oh, happy birthday!
Tizzy
Not today, Barbie. I’m 22 every day.
Tracy
[al pubblico] Well, we are in touch with whatever age both of them are.
[alle studentesse] I suppose you are students here…
[la guardano senza parlare]
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So I would like to ask you [cerca le domande sul taccuino]. First, why did you choose to come and
study at UPO?
Tizzy
I live here.
Tracy
Yes, but…
Barbie
Do you?
Tizzy [la guarda sconsolata alzando gli occhi al cielo, l’altra riprende a messaggiare]
I mean, since we are lucky to have a University here it would be stupid not to come, wouldn’t it?
Barbie [sempre guardando il cellulare]
It would.
[rientra Gloria, ovviamente persa]
Gloria
Where is my exam? B1 or A1? It was A1 but A1 is full of strangers [scappa via disperata]
Tracy
Is she a real student?
Tizzy
She must be. They are always looking for something.
Barbie [sempre rispondendo a SMS]
Maybe she is a professor.
[cade un attimo di silenzio. Poi Barbie alza la testa]
You said we are live?
Tracy
Yes, of course, live on ….
Tizzy e Barbie insieme
Hello muuuuuum!!!! hahahahaah hello.....!!!
[spostano la panchina in primo piano]
Reporter
Just another question to round up our exciting interview. Why do you think learning English is so
important?
Tizzy
Barbie, why do you think that learning English is so important?
Barbie
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Je ne sais pas.
Tizzy
She has a French boyfriend.
Barbie
You have an English one.
Tizzy
I can also speak Spanish, un poquito.
Barbie
I remember Manolo!
Tizzy
Shut up or I’ll tell everybody about Rainer. Your awful English was good enough with him, uh?
[squilla il cellulare di entrambe, si capisce qualche parola in varie lingue, tra cui l’italiano: una
qualche festa, un party, Erasmus… Si allontanano parlando al telefono, passandoselo…]
Tracy
Well, thank you very much.
[si siede sconsolata sulla panchina vuota]
I think we got the idea.
[sta per concludere il collegamento quando Gloria riappare coperta di cartelloni, fogli, appunti,
balbetta sconnessa]
Gloria
The timetable… Segreteria Studenti… A1, B2, C1… Help, help me!
[si accascia con tutte queste carte in mezzo al palco, dopo aver chiesto invano aiuto a Tracy, che si
defila alla chetichella ridando la linea a bassa voce]
Tracy
That’s it for now from the frontline of learning. Risky, dangerous, exciting. Back to the studio!
[Tizzy e Barbie facendo festa tornano sul palco e prendono a forza Gloria strappandole dalle sue
carte]
Scena 3
[Teena torna sulla ribalta sulla sigla di Enjoy!]
Teena
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Welcome back to the studio, everything is going so well, the show’s been a-mazing so far! Thank
you Lauren. Hello Vercelli, I hope you are watching us. Foreign languages are a-mazing, I speak
one, two, or three or four and that’s why I’m here. We are international!
Now’s the time for the last part of our show: a big international attraction is here especially for us.
Who is she? [rullo di tamburi]
Sophie!!! The greatest clairvoyant of all. Sophie the astrologer, the medium, the Goddess of the
Horoscope.
[entra Sophie su sigla elettronica e un po’ new age]
Sophie
The love of the stars to you all, my twinkles.
Teena
Good twinkles to you, too, Sophie. I have read that you predicted the Icelandic volcano eruption a
few minutes before it happened. Isn’t that extraordinary?
Sophie
Yes, I was all shaken with a sudden tremble. My cat, too.
Teena
What else have you predicted?
Sophie
The Berlin Wall – when it came down. The Twin Towers – when they came down. We were all
shaken with a sudden tremble – me and my cat.
Teena
Twinkling shit, that’s awesome! And what are you going to predict for us today?
Sophie
I’m going to do a big experiment. Three members of the public. Up here. Will know their future,
their present, their past. Their star sign.
Teena
Don’t they already know it?
Sophie
Maybe they know, but I predict.
Teena
Smashing. Let’s have three volunteers then.
Sophie
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They mustn’t be volunteers. They must the chosen ones. Where’s my crystal ball? [Teena corre a
prenderla su un tavolino, Sophie legge dalla sfera di cristallo] I’m calling up Brigitte [B. si alza e va
verso il palco] Caroline [C. si alza e va verso il palco] Madeleine [M. si alza e va verso il palco]
Teena
The love of the stars to you all. Do you believe in horoscopes?
B
No
C
Yes
M
Maybe
Sophie
I know everything about you and I will prove it.
B
Nonsense
C
Wonderful
M
We’ll see
Teena
Take a seat, twinkles.
Sophie [to C]
Brigitte, you are fiery, you are passionate, you are tactless and a pain in the arse. You got to be a
Sagittarius.
C
Yes!!! But I’m Caroline…
M
And I am a Sagittarius.
Sophie
Swap seats then, and don’t be silly!
B
Well, what sign am I then?
Sophie
Cancer. You like to know what’s going on in the life of everyone in the galaxy. And I don’t like
nosy people.
C [to B]
Admit it. You are a bit.
Sophie
You certainly are!
M [to Sophie]
You guessed that she’s Cancer: you just depend on luck. And I am Sagittarius.
Sophie
I can see that. You are a pain in the arse.
C
Yes, she is!
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B [to C]
She is a Virgo. Well, she used to be one, many, many years ago.
C
Nosy bitch!
Sophie [to C]
You are happy all the time, so it doesn’t matter which star you are, twinkle.
Teena
Maybe we could go on, Sophie, and tell our twinkles here about their future…
Sophie [guardando nella sfera]
It’s terribly cloudy in here. The Icelandic cloud has badly affected my sphere.
B
Bollocks!
C
Magic!
M
Only needs cleaning… [fa per alzarsi e pulirla]
Sophie
Don’t touch! I see… I see… Caroline’s future! Love, love, love, this stranger. Yes. Virgo, you
know it’s a stranger because you have an exaggerated self-image and believe foolishly that
everyone finds you attractive… but it’s not true! You just have to wait until Jupiter finishes its
revolution. Don’t worry! It takes only 11 years!
M [comincia a piangere e gridare]
How can you say that to a fan? I am attractive and everyone loves me!
B + M What about our future?
Sophie
I am afraid you don’t have one. Or it’s so dull and boring it doesn’t even register in my sphere.
[B e M fanno per alzarsi e andare via gridando “Impostor! Witch!”]
Teena [con un gesto ai tecnici fa partire la sigla delle previsioni del tempo]
Brigitte! Madeleine! Please, stay! Caroline, get up and smile.
[le riporta a fatica tutte sul palco, in riga]
We all love you. Sophie will test her power of prediction once more, to give us … the Weather
Forecast! Get Real TV, the TV that tells you everything before it even happens.
[sigla delle previsioni del tempo]
Sophie [guardando nella sfera]
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It’s terribly cloudy in here. I see Jupiter in Aquarius. Brigitte by the Berlin Wall. Caroline and
Madeleine are sisters, and Trisha and Sheila and Gloria and Tracy, all twinkling. A collision of
planets…
[verso Teena] I think it’s about to rain.
Teena
She thinks she’s about to rain. This is the Weather Forecast, a real prediction on Get Real TV!!!
[tutte sul palco aprono ombrelli, con un effetto di pioggia, mentre la sigla delle previsioni del tempo
si chiude e lascia spazio agli applausi registrati]
Teena
Thank you, thank you, stay with us, bye bye until next time! The love of the stars to you all!!!
[tutte salutano]